i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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