Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I have feelings that need drinking.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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