im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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