so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
