drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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