used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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