dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
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