On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
