glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Help. Why am I so naked?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
