hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
