I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
