doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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