the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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