Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
