WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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