i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
