Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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