he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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