Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
