Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
