Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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