apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
