I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
