So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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