i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
