I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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