It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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