but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
