my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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