Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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