I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Can you bring me the toilet please
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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