I just saw a hot homeless man
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
