Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
