I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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