I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
