not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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