My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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