It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
