RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
