So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
