I wish I only lived at night.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
