you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
