You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
