I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
