you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize