My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
