ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
