last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
