Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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