well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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