I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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