I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
