So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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