how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
