What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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