Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
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