I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
