so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
