When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
