I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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