Umm I'm too high to move.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Randomize
