I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize