I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
