Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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