I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize