apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
